It's Opening Night!

OPENING NIGHT:  Hi there.  Mind if I make myself comfortable?

Phil looks at Opening Night, suspicious.


PHIL:  What are you doing here?

OPENING NIGHT:  Weren't you expecting me?

Phil hesitates, nods, crosses to window and looks down on seething mass.

PHIL:  But so soon?

Opening Night lights a cigarette, casually tapping the first hints of ash onto the shag-pile carpet.


OPENING NIGHT:  You want to get rid of me?

PHIL:  (nervous) No... I just... I don't know what I'm supposed to do with you.

Opening Night raises an eyebrow.

OPENING NIGHT:  I thought by now you would.  You've had enough time to prepare.

PHIL: You shouldn't smoke in here, you'll get sick and die.

Opening Night lights another cigarette, in contempt.

OPENING NIGHT: Given my reception, I should think you'd welcome my death.

PHIL:  No, no, no no I want you to be well.

OPENING NIGHT:  (reaching for the medicine cabinet)  What if I just down a couple of bottles of bleach?

Phil jumps between Opening Night and the medicine cabinet.


PHIL: (frantic) No, don't -- don't do that!  Please, I mean, come on, I... it's just a shock, I don't see you that often and... I need you to stay alive and healthy for me, okay?

OPENING NIGHT:  So give me a back massage.

PHIL:   ...

OPENING NIGHT:  Come on, what are you afraid of?

PHIL:  Just... can you just make sure you're safe and well and not drowning in your own reflux when you arrive at the theatre tonight?  It's very important for me.

OPENING NIGHT:  Then give me a BACK MASSAGE!

PHIL:  You don't even have a back!

OPENING NIGHT:  What do you think this is, an open-ended run?

PHIL:  There's a difference between a back and an end.  And you don't even get along with Closing Night any more.  When was the last time you two spoke?

Opening Night lights three more cigarettes, descending into a reverie.

OPENING NIGHT:  I don't want to talk about it.

PHIL:  Did you fight?

Opening Night nods, sniffs, dissolves into a puddle of tears.


PHIL:  Come on, this doesn't help me.  Look, pull yourself together.  All you have to do is get to St Judes' Anglican Church in Carlton around 6.30pm tonight, make the actors feel good and focussed, make sure the band are in tune, feed the sound and lighting guys some chocolate, get all the audience in by 8:05pm and give us a few nice rounds of applause along the way.

Phil turns to face you, dear reader.

PHIL:  Is that too much to ask?